[Note: This looked better in my head than it does on paper. It has Problems. But I don’t think I can improve on this right now. I might make another attempt someday.]
Darren and his leaky kitchen-sink tap had a pact. He would let it drip, and in return, it would let him live.
Darren could deal with that, but it wasn’t just the tap. He found that the fridge had rearranged everything each time he opened it.
The coffee machine in his office had a crush on him, and never gave him coffee without a little chat. His computer always needed to be cajoled into life, and started whining if he didn’t let it rest after a while. As if that wasn’t enough, the post-box he tended to use always licked his palm whenever he posted something. He just had to grin and bear it.
Darren always had to be nice to everything he depended on. Once, when he hadn’t been on speaking terms with the office furniture, the company he worked for had suffered heavy losses. It had been a practical joke – the chair had moved itself away from under him – but he hadn’t forgiven it, and when he was angry, the office furniture sulked, and the computers sitting on it got befuddled.
Darren’s bike was a continual problem. It had promised not break down – if he let his girlfriend ride it once a week. It loved the feel of her crotch against the metal of its tank when she sat forward. This was a thorny issue with Darren, but he hadn’t mentioned it to his girlfriend.
But it wasn’t all bad. Every fan and ventilator Darren came into contact with made sure that he was never too hot or too cold.
The shower in his bathroom always knew the exact way to caress his body, and once in a while, it would even help him give himself a happy ending. He never needed to use his stereo remote, and the tv always knew when to shut itself off.
And the roads always made sure that Darren stayed safe and sound. Every time he stepped out of the office, they checked the traffic in each direction to make sure no drunk was driving in Darren’s direction. Every time he stepped off a curb, the light stayed red, the cars wouldn’t drive, and the road moved aside everyone walking in his way.
The roads had a reason. When Darren was a little boy, the world had played a practical joke on his parents. They were driving home from a party one night, and the road made them turn a wrong way, the streetlights turned themselves off, and a truck drove into their way. Their car meant to swerve as soon as they were scared enough, but it couldn’t do it in time. The car had perished, taking Darren’s parents with it.
Darren was on the world’s conscience, and the world took its debts seriously. Darren didn’t know of this, but it was an open secret to everything in Darren’s life. The tap was just so that Darren didn’t get too conceited. The bike was a cad, though.